Motivated mindset in marriage

Sayeda Habib’s article on Synergistic living in the April edition of Sisters Mag really got me thinking. She asked readers to consider four questions;

How do I view human beings and the world in general?

Do I go out of my way to ensure I have a positive effect of others?

How much do I notice the effect I have on others?

And

What are three things I can do right now to have a better relationship with people and the world?

lately I have been thinking about motivated mindsets mainly due to a Facebook page called Adnan Inspired. At first I didn’t get it. I even commented on one of his status
“just saying it doesn’t make it true”.
Alhamdulillah he didn’t get offended but replied with hikmah
“these quotes are meant to create a motivated mindset”.
So what is a motivated mindset? how can it effect our lives? And what has it got to do with synergystic living?

Sometimes we let our thoughts run away from us. We let our minds be cloudy or unsettled. We react irrationally or emotionally to things we shouldn’t. But our minds are not us. Our minds are not our essence, they are another part of us, like a limb. Our minds don’t control us, we can control our minds. We can create new synapses and pathways in our brain. Programme it to respond in different ways to events and experiences.

This is the essence of a positive mindset. Basically “fake it ’till you make it!”

When it comes to our relationships, with our spouses, our parents, our children, our in laws, we tend to already have preset reactions to differing types of situation. If our husbands are grumpy, you will deal with it based on your knowledge and experiences of the past times he was grumpy. If your children are upset you will react the way you have learnt calms them down the quickest. But sometimes this may be doing our relationships a disfavour. By being reliant on the past we may make it difficult to move on. Obviously we learn from experience and have to keep that in mind. But we also have to recognise and acknowledge change and effort.

Sometimes children change. For example they become practicing, yet parents still treat them and think of them the same way they did a year ago. In doing so they make the journey their child is going through harder. Instead of supporting them, it may seem like they feel it is only a phase and are just waiting for them to fail and go back to their old lifestyle.

Of course some of this reaction is a safety mechanism. Some of it is a preset reaction to situations based on the person you were before, instead of the person you are trying to be now. To the child it just seems like their parents are against them and don’t believe In them or support them.

We can also do the same thing to our spouses. We know they have good intentions, and are trying to change, but we are on autopilot and just fall in to learnt responses and reactions. As busy mothers and wives there is hardly time for more in depth consideration of our behaviour. But maybe sometimes we are acting on what we think we know, and not what is really happening.

So how can we prevent this?

By going back to the four questions.

How do I view my husband and my life in general?

Take a moment to consider this. Then consider if it is fair. If the actions he has done lately match up to the way you consider him, or if maybe you are viewing him based on the way he acted last year, last month, or when you were newly weds!

Also think of your life. Do you feel generally positive or negative? Can you pinpoint what makes you feel down? What would you like to be different, in your homelife, your worship, your work? Are you proud of your achievements? Do you take enough credit? How often do you allow yourself a pat on the back, and tell yourself you have done well? All these things will help create a healthy positive mindset and a healthy relationship. Never berate yourself too harshly or beat yourself up.

Do I go out of my way to have a positive effect on my husband?

Do you motivate him? Are you appreciative enough of what he tries to do? Could your reactions and behaviour towards him be more positive? Again think of small things you could do. Maybe make more cups of tea! Notice when he is trying, even if he is making a big deal,out of it or breaking the dishes while washing them, or burning a boiled egg, you can still try and have a positive effect on him. Acknowledge his intentions. Encourage him.

How much do I notice the effect I have on my husband?

You are not in control of others behaviour. But you are in control of your own mind and your own behaviour. You can change the way you act, and it is likely if you change the way you act that will have an effect on your interactions with those around you. They may change their responses. So try and notice if you can see any patterns. If you act in a certain way what effect does that have on your husband? If you change that action does it have a better outcome? My dad used to tell me “smile and the whole world will smile with you”. Try it! It is scientifically proven if you are sad and you force yourself to smile your mood improves! When the sun shines it brightens up the day of everyone it shines on! Cheesy I know, but aim to be the sun!

What three things can I do to have a better relationship?

Now you have thought about quite a lot in the first three questions, it may have taken some time. Maybe a few days to learn to notice the effect you have, and to fully contemplate and reflect on your behaviours and mindset. Now it is time to make a change. Now don’t give yourself too much. Think of three small simple things that you could do. Maybe force yourself to smile In the mornings! Maybe put on make up once a week. Maybe count to ten before you speak whe. You are feeling emotional, or saying thank you and jazakallah khayr to your husband more often. And remember don’t beat yourself up. If you find it hard and slip up, it only natural, you are human not superwoman! And old habits die hard! So just tell yourself you will try and do better next time. Focus on successes, not failures, and Inshallah you will soon see your positive mindset Make a difference!

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Posted on 24/03/2013, in marriage, Sisters Mag discussions and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Thanks so much for this. I’m doing it as my homework right now! 😉

  2. Alhamdulillah sis, you are welcome, May Allah bless you with good!

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