The loss of Love (Parents in Islam)

Loving after loss (Part 2).

 

I recently read the above blog post, and it touched my heart and made me contemplate the value of my relationship with my parents, and how I would feel when they are no longer on this earth.

Since becoming a Muslim, my relationship with my mother has improved beyond recognition. Alhamdulillah.

I have seen my mother espescially in a whole new light.

Becoming a parent myself has deepened my appreciation and made me realise why the status of parents in Islam is so high.

The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Allah has cursed the one who curses his parents.”

[Sahih Muslim]

Commentary:

The Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) saying, “Allah has cursed the one who curses his parents.” Can you believe it? Yes, it is possible, the one who curses their parents directly in their face or causes them to receive the curse of the people because of their own actions. This type of person is deprived of all courtesy and morality and is thus cursed by Allah. We ask Allah’s protection for us and our children from this behaviour
In jahilliya, I would fight back with my parents, now I try my best to not, although sometimes I cannot help showing my aggravation, I try as much as possible to not do so. I have made an effort to recognise situations and conversations which cause us to fight and try and avoid them.
In the Quran Allah has often mentioned good treatment of parents next to tahweed, and worshipping Him alone. Shirk is a disrespect to Allah, who created you, bad treatment of parents is a disrespect to your parents who begot you. The fact that Allah has so often mentioned the two subjects together shows how important the relationship with parents is to a believer.

 

“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as] ‘uff’ [i.e., an expression of irritation or disapproval] and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say: ‘My Lord! Have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.'”
 [Quran 17:23-24]
“And We have enjoined upon man goodness to parents…”
 [Quran 29:8 & 46:15]
“And [recall] when We took the covenant from the Children of Israel, [enjoining upon them]: ‘Do not worship except Allaah; and to parents, do good…'” 
[Quran 2:83]
“Say: ‘Come, I will recite what your Lord has prohibited to you. [He commands] that you not associate anything with Him, and to parents, good treatment…'”
[Quran 6:151]
There are also many hadiths which mention the tratment of parents alongside the fundementals of Islam, which further emphasises the seriousness of this matter.

Ibne `Abbas states:] “I questioned the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him and his family): Which deed is the most beloved in the eyes of Allah, the Mighty, the Glorious?”  He (peace be upon him and his family) replied: “(Offering) prayers at their stipulated times.” I then asked: “Which is the next most beloved deed?” He (peace be upon him and his family) answered: “Goodness towards (one’s) parents.”  I asked him again: “After this which is the most beloved act?”  He (peace be upon him and his family) said: “Jihad in the way of Allah.”

 In the above hadith kindness to parents comes after salaah and before jihad, this is the way a Muslim should be. They should not obey their parents if their parents tell them to disobey Allah’s fardh, but for something that is not obligatory on you at that time, like jihad, good conduct to your parents comes first, demonstrated by the following hadith;

Abdullah ibn ‘Amr said, “A man came to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and said, ‘I have come to make you a pledge that will do hijra although I have left my parents in tears.” The Prophet said, ‘Go back to them and make them laugh as you made them cry.'”

20. ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr said, “A man came to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, wanting to do jihad. The Prophet asked, ‘Are your parents alive?’ ‘Yes,’ he replied. he said, ‘Then exert yourself on their behalf.'”

 

There are also hadiths which explain that kind treatment to ones parents does not have to mean grand gestures, but like the rest of Islam simple acts are worth just as much.

The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him and his family) has said: “The look of a child towards his parents out of love for them is an act of worship.”

 

 

  

This shows how it can be simple to be kind to ones parents, doing ibadah on their behalf is also reccomended.

 Sa’id ibn Abi Burda said, “I heard my father sat that Ibn ‘Umar saw a Yamani man going around the House while carrying his mother on his back, saying, ‘I am your humble camel. If her mount is frightened, I am not frightened.’ Then he asked, ‘Ibn ‘Umar? Do you think that I have repaid her?’ He replied, ‘No, not even for a single groan.’

“Ibn ‘Umar did tawaf and came to the Maqam and prayed two rak’ats. He said, ‘Ibn Abi Musa, every two rak’ats make up for everything that has happened between them.'”

Good conduct towards parents is an obligation in Islam, and does not depend on the conduct of your parents towards you. Even if you are being mistreated, or oppressed you should still treat them in a kind manner,.

Ibn ‘Abbas said, “If any Muslim obeys Allah regarding his parents, Allah will open two gates of the Garden for him. If there is only one parent, then one gate will be opened. If one of them is angry, then Allah will not be pleased with him until that parent is pleased with him.” He was asked, “Even if they wrong him?” “Even if they wrong him” he replied.

Many people believe Muslim’s are commanded to break ties with non Muslims, to hate them, avoid friendships with them, not show love to them. However there are hadiths demonstrating the falsehood of this.

Sa’id ibn Abi Waqqas said: “Four ayats were revealed about me. The first was when my mother swore she would neither eat nor drink until I left Muhammad, may Allah bless him and grant him peace. Allah Almighty revealed, ‘But if they try to make you associate something with Me about which you have no knowledge, do not obey them. Keep company with them correctly and courteously in this worldÉ’ (31:15) The second was when I took a sword that I admired and said, ‘Messenger of Allah, give me this!’ Then the ayat was revealed: ‘They will ask you about booty.’ (8:1) The third was when I was ill and the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, came to me and I said, ‘Messenger of Allah, I want to divide my property. Can I will away a half?’ He said, ‘No.’ ‘A third?’ I asked. He was silent and so after that it was allowed to will away a third. The fourth was when I had been drinking wine with some of the Ansar. One of them hit my nose with the jawbone of a camel. I went to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and Allah Almighty revealed the prohibition of wine.”

 Asma’ bint Abi Bakr said, “In the time of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, my mother came to me hoping (I would be dutiful). I asked the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, ‘Do I have to treat her well?’ ‘Yes,’ he replied.”

Ibn ‘Uyayna said, “Then Allah revealed about her, ‘Allah does not forbid you from being good to those who have not fought you in the deen.’ (60:8)”

 Ibn ‘Umar said, “‘Umar saw a silk robe for sale. He said, ‘Messenger of Allah, would you buy this robe and wear it on Jumu’a and when delegations visit you?’ He replied, ‘Only a person who has no portion in the Next World could wear this.’ Then the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, was given some robes made of the same material. He sent one of the robes to ‘Umar. ‘Umar exclaimed, ‘How can I wear it when you said what you said about it?’ The Prophet replied, ‘I did not give it to you so that you could wear it. You can sell it or give it to someone.’ ‘Umar sent it to a brother of his in Makka who had not yet become Muslim.”

Also the story of Ibrahim alayhi salaam that Allah tells in the Quran shows us how we should treat our parents even if they are threatening to kill us.

When he (Ibrahim) said to his father: “O my father! Why do you worship that which hears not, sees not and cannot avail you in anything? O my father! Verily, there has come to me of knowledge that which has not come to you. So follow me; I will guide you to a straight path. O my father! Worship not Satan. Verily, Satan has been a rebel against the Most Beneficent (Allah). O my father! Verily, I fear lest a torment from the Most Beneficent (Allaah) overtake you, so that you become a companion of Satan ( in Hell-Fire).” He (the father) said: ” Do you reject my gods, O Ibrahim? If you do not stop (this), I will indeed stone you. So get away from me safely before I punish you.” Ibrahim said :” Peace be upon you. I will ask forgiveness of my Lord for you. Verily, He is unto me, ever most gracious. (surat Maryam, 19:41-47)

Note that Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him) addressed his father in the most subordinate and most refined, courteous, and polite expression (abati in Arabic). Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him) did not say to him, “I am a scholar and you are ignorant”; instead, he said “There has come to me of knowledge (as a Prophet) that which has not come unto you.” Ibrahim (peace be upon him) showed his concern and compassion towards his father’s well-being when he said, “O my father! Verily, I fear lest a torment from the Most Beneficent (Allaah) overtake you….” When his father rejected the truth and threatened to stone him, Ibrahim (peace be upon him) replied in utmost politeness, “Peace be upon you,” and promised him that he will pray to his Lord on his behalf for forgiveness. This is how a righteous son should advise his misguided father

The rewards for following this commandment are also mentioned in hadith;

  Mu’adh said, “Bliss belongs to someone who is dutiful towards his parents. Allah Almighty will prolong his life

As well as this, the punishments for disobeying parents and bad treatment towards them are made clear

Abu Bakra reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “There is no wrong action more likely to bring punishment in this world in addition to what is stored up in the Next World than oppression and severing ties of kinship.”

30. ‘Imran ibn Husayn said, “The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, ‘What do you say about fornication, drinking wine and theft?’ ‘Allah and His Messenger know best,’ we replied. He stated, ‘They are acts of outrage and there is punishment for them, but shall I tell you which is the greatest of the great wrong actions? Associating with Allah Almighty and disobeying parents.’ He had been reclining, but then he sat up and said, ‘and lying.'”.

Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace!” They said, “Messenger of Allah, who?” He said, “The one who fails his parents or one of them when they are old will enter the Fire.

So we can see this is an obligation we have to take seriously. It is an easy one to overlook. It is much easier to be constantly nice, kind, patient and understanding to people you meet ont the street and friends then it is to your won family and parents. But your parents are most worthy of understanding and respect. Many of us go through a point in life where we recognise our parents shortcomings and blame them for not raising us correctly, or in a manner with enough love, attnetion, Islam, and so on. But if we are supposed to make 70 excuses for anyone else, we need to make a lot more excuses for our parents. They are a lot more deserving. We need to focuus on all they have done for us, and know even if we carry our mothers on our backs around the ka’bah to enable their haj, we will still not make up but a drop of what we owe them.

In the post from Loveinshallah, her mother has died, but in Islam there is always hope, The commandment for good treatment of ones parents does not stop at their death

 Abu Usayd said, “We were with the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, when a man asked, ‘Messenger of Allah, is there any act of dutifulness which I can do for my parents after their death?’ He replied, ‘Yes. There are four things: Supplication for them, asking forgiveness for them, fulfilling their pledges, and being generous to friends of theirs. You only have ties of kinship through your parents.”

36. Abu Hurayra said, “The dead person can be raised a degree after his death. He said, ‘My Lord, how is this?’ He was told, ‘Your child can ask for forgiveness for you.'”

37. Ibn Sirin said, “We were with Abu Hurayra one night and he said, ‘O Allah, forgive Abu Hurayra and his mother and whoever asks for forgiveness for both of them.'” Muhammad said, “We used to ask for forgiveness for them so that we would be included in Abu Hurayra’s supplication.”

38. Abu Hurayra reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “When a person dies, all action is cut off for him with the exception of three things: sadaqa which continues, knowledge which benefits, or a righteous child who makes supplication for him.”

39. Ibn ‘Abbas reported that a man said, “Messenger of Allah, my mother died without a will. Will it help her if I give sadaqa on her behalf?” “Yes,” he replied.

The formatting on this post has gone topsy turvey for some reason, so I apologise for lack of punctuation! and general weirdness!

However I hope we can all take something away from this. Like I said in the “ABout” page, all the reminders in this blog are firstly to me. I need to be reminded. I need to research and write and know, so it goes in to my head and I can practice.

May we all honour our parents in the manner they deserve,

may we be the coolness of their eyes,

may we be a means of exalting their status, and of them reaching jannah!

ameen

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Posted on 09/11/2012, in Quran and Sunnah and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I can relate to this, despite not following the Muslim faith. I lost my mother 3 years ago, during a time period when we had fallen out of touch due to some strong disagreements between us. She died, asking for me, and I was not there – and that is a burden I will have to live with for the rest of my life and beyond. I try every day to honour her, to pass along the little kindnesses she always did, and to live a life for which she’d be proud. And I think she understands that, or at least I pray she does.
    Now my father – well, my father is so stubborn, he can deny a mountain’s right to exist so strongly, it crumbles to sand at his feet. And I am VERY much my father’s son. But I am trying on that front, as well, and have hopes that this year may yet bring results. Some things are beyond our grasp, and I fear this is one of those. But I’m still going to let my inherited stubbornness push this through! 🙂

    • That’s sad about your mother. I am sure she knows you would have been there, and as a mother I can imagine that she wanted to make sure you didn’t hate her and you could forgive her. It is clear that you don’t hate her, and you have forgiven her, so in that way you are honouring her memory.

      In Islam we have this idea of sadaqah jariyah, like charity which is long lasting and continues, so if you read the story of Komal Rashid, they raised money to build water wells in her name, this means as long as the wells are working then blessings will be bestowed on her. For every drop of water someone drinks from the well which is there in her name, she will be rewarded.

      Also it is a bit like a pyramid scheme, but one where not only the people at the top benefit, but all benefit.
      If you teach someone something, and that benefits them, then they teach 2 more people, and they each teach more people, you will get rewards for each time that action is implemented or that teaching passed on, without detracting from the reward of the others.

      This is like what you are saying about your mum, that what she taught you, you are trying to implement and pass on.

      As for your dad, the advice in the hadiths are good! try not to be angry, realise where the conflict is and keep away! and even if he doesn’t respond, you know in your heart that you are doing what is right, and you are not letting someone else change the person you are and the way you want to behave.

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