The ten year question.
Sometimes I stop and take a look at my life and surroundings, and conpare it to the answer my 18 year old self would have given to the question “Where do you see yourself in ten years time?”
Because the place I would have imagined myself to be, or wanted to be would definitely not be where I am now.
Sometimes I glimpse freinds from school on facebook, traveling the world, well groomed, prestigious careers, and I see what should have been mine but is not.
That is what I rejected, what I let go. I knew I would have to leave that aside in order to be a Muslimah. I saw my paths laid out before me, and I chose the one I am on now.
I knew I would have to struggle, that there would be less excitement, no fancy things. At the time the choice seemed easy, the reality of day to day life wasn’t apparant. Becoming a Muslim was exciting enough, it was an excitement that lightened my breast and touched my soul.
Six years on I wouldnt consider myself a new Muslim anymore. And my life has not progressed how I would have imagined it, no house, no car, no driving lessons even.
However my ilm and hikmah have mashallah increased in this time. I dont feel different from a person born in to a Muslim family now. I feel secure and confident with my deen alhamdulillah. I still struggle, feel I should have come further. But then my husband always reminds me how far I’ve come. He tells me how I teach him!
It’s true I dont remember how far I’ve come as I dont remember who I was before. I don’t recognise or identify with that girl, although I can factually recount things, there is no emotions attatched to most of them.
But now I have got to the stage where I am no longer content and I want my hopes and dreams back. However now my main priority is not my own nafs but to please Allah.
My dreams and hopes have developed, firstly the thing I always make dua for is to be steadfast on the rope of Islam. Without this I am nothing, all my good deeds are worthless.
After that I hope to benefit the Ummah, in whatever small way I can.
I hope to be a good wife and a good mother, and this involves being happy and healthy myself.
I am no longer scared of my past. No demons haunt me. If people have issues that is between them and Allah. Now I am ready to embrace it.
There were many positive things in my life before Islam, things I wanted to achieve, talents I possessed. Somehow in trying to distance myself from the bad and erasing my memories of it, I managed to forget the good as well.
I often said I didn’t knowmyself, recognise myself in the mirror, had a loss of identity, for thefirst time I realise why.
So sisters, if you like to read books keep reading, if you like to write then keep writing, if you like to swim or run or watch films, or take photos then keep doing so, as all can be done in accordance with Islam and to benefit Islam.
Also there is nothing better for deen the being around other sisters, sisterhood is a blessing from Allah. We teach each other, support each other, encourage each other.
We laugh together and eat together and have fun together. If you enjoy socialising and dressing up and eating out, keep that up too! As long as you follow Islamic guidelines then it will benefit you! How? Through cementing the blessed bonds of sisterhood, through allowing you a chance to know and help others, as well as others supporting you.
This can all be done with intention of pleasing Allah.
As for me, I loved reading and writing, I loved teaching, working in jobs where you meet new people.
Now I intend to do all that, with the intention of pleasing Allah and benefitting the Ummah. Blog writing, circles, volunteering, charities, event organisation, there are so many halal options!
So, “where do I see myself in ten years time?” Only Allah knows for sure, but I have a feeling I will have my identity and sense of purpose back inshallah. And I am excited to see what my future holds. Today is the start of the rest of my life. Alhamdulillah
Posted on 21/10/2012, in Experiences, inspirations and tagged Islam Dreams Goals Aspirations Identity Religion Revert Convert. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.